Bart Vs The Springfield Wives
by jtbwriter
Summary: What happens when a new men’s club organized by Mr. Burns starts replacing the town’s women with robots; can Bart save the day? All comments constructive criticism welcome. Thanks!
1. Default Chapter

Bart Vs The Springfield Wives

What happens when a new men's club organized by Mr. Burns starts replacing the town's women with robots; can Bart save the day?

(All characters are the property of Matt Groening and are only on loan.I promise to put them back safe and sound!)

To Karina-I never turn down a double dog dare!

Chapter 1-Mr. Burns Yearns

"Smithers, come here Smithers!"

The old fossil called for his faithful flunky, then scowled as he appeared.

"Yes, Mr. Burns?"

"I'm in need of entertainment. I've decided to start a Gentlemen's club. All the towns leading citizens will be members, and I will be in charge. Get started on it right away!"

Smithers gave a toothy grin. It made him happy to see his lord and master so happy.

All over town invitations appeared in mailboxes, and smiles on the male population's faces.

A men's club: the possibilities: camaraderie, networking possibilities, a place to play cards and chase women.

"Free food!" Homer Simpson hollered as he read his artificially engraved card.

"Homer, don't you know there's no such thing as a free lunch, there's a catch to it." Marge Simpson narrowed her eyes at the host's signature.

"Yeah, it's dinner, not lunch." He chuckled, and she sighed.

"Whoa, dad, did you see who's in running this thing, Mr. Burns!" Bart grabbed the invitation from Homer's greasy fingers.

"So?" Homer tried to swipe it back, but his son was too fast for him.

"So, that means there's something other than a few buffalo wings here!" Bart's mind was teeming with possibilities and all of them illegal.

"I can handle a few buffalo wings, and old Burns too!" Homer grabbed for the card again, this time distracting his son with a candy bar.

"Hey, thanks, wait, no fair, dad, it's melted!" Bart whined, then took out his frustration by wiping his dripping fingers on Homer's bowling shirt.

"Fair is fair, son. You'll learn that someday from your dear old dad." He smugly replied, then walked out of the house to Bart's laughter, a perfect set of handprints on the back of his shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-Bring On The Food

Homer waded through the teeming crowd at the old Lodge building, now bearing a discreet plaque,

"Springfield Gentlemen's Club".

Abu was there, nodding and smiling at everyone, as Moe stood with his permanent frown and arms crossed.

"Hey, who's running the bar?" Homer looked around at all his neighbors, calculating his odds for seconds.

"Nobody, the whole town's here, except the women. They can drink at home for all I care!" Moe sneered.

Suddenly the doors opened, and Smithers stood at the entrance, passing out member buttons and greeting the throng.

As the men filed into the tastefully appointed meeting room, they spied tables laden with grilled foods, dripping with grease. Homer all but broke into a run at the sight of a tray full of jelly doughnuts.

Within minutes the place was covered with men drinking and munching and crunching and the occasional burp from the vicinity of Homer.

All too soon smiling girls in short shorts and tube tops came out and took away the remains of the feast, winking at the drooling crowd.

"Did you see the size of those, those.." the man next to Homer stuttered.

"Yeah, those crullers were the biggest I've ever had." Homer sighed happily.

At that moment Smithers took the podium at the end of the hall as the lights came down low, except for a single spotlight.

"Thank you, men of Springfield, for coming to our inaugural meeting of the Springfield Society. Polite applause broke out among a few, then quickly stopped as the flunky continued.

"This is your night, a special time for you to eat fattening foods, drink until you puke, chase women and gamble too much, and all in the bosom of your friends, neighbors, and Mr. Burns."

"Yeah!" Moe gave out a cheer, then resumed his usual grouchy expression.

"And now, a few words from our fearless leader, Mr. Burns!" Smithers introduced the wizened old man, now bearing a fake crocodile smile.

"Good evening, gentlemen. I'm glad to see so many of my employees tonight." His eyes gleamed at the eager faces.

"This is a refuge for us men, away from wives, girlfriends, lovers, children. We can reap the rewards of our manhood here, without fear of retribution or tabloid reporters." He intoned, and the group started to cheer.

Fueled by their enthusiasm, Mr. Burns flung out his arms. "It's your night to howl, my friends, now take a moment to look at the rules of the club, they are on the sheets of paper Smithers is passing out now."

Homer glanced at the paper the thin man had thrust into his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-The Rules

**SPRINGFIELD SOCIETY RULES**

**No Women except those serving your every need on the premises.**

**No Children under 18.**

**No Media, print or paper allowed.**

**What's done here, stays here, no gossip or repeating what happens on ****or in Society property.**

**Failure to obey these rules is death. **

Next to him, Abu turned a paler shade of brown. "Death? Homer, it says death!"

"Yeah, but what a way to go!" Moe's jaw dropped to the floor as a particularly endowed woman came out with a tray of drinks. She caught his eye, then came to his side as a stream of drool exited his mouth.

"Drink, sir?" she cooed, then dropped a wink.

"Duh, duh, uh, yeah!" he managed to say, then draped his arm around her as he picked up a glass and drained it.

"What's your name, sugar?" he sneered.

"Bambi, sir." The nubile young woman did look like a deer caught in his headlights, and Moe meant to make the most of it.

"Well Bambi, how would you like frolic with me behind the curtains." He leered, then almost fell over as she linked arms with him.

"I'd love to, Moe." She simpered, then led him away.

"That's odd, Homer, I didn't know Moe liked to frolic, I thought he only wanted to ...." Abu was interrupted by a basket-holding woman, clad in a sari with dark shining eyes.

"Something sweet to eat, sir?" she said enticingly.

"Never mind, Homer. See you later." The market owner beamed as he followed the temptress up a staircase.

"Hmmm." Homer looked at the rapidly decreasing numbers in the meeting room, then sighed.

"Darn. Looks like the party's over." He shuffled out of the room before anyone noticed.

Except Mr. Burns.

As he watched his worker leave, Mr. Burns rubbed his hands with glee.

"So much to do, so many to do it with!" he chortled. Abruptly a female voice interrupted his reverie.

"Darling, when do you want your hot...drink?"

Turning, the lizard-faced millionaire took in the sight of a statuesque woman, dripping with sex appeal.

"Later, my dear. Soon your sisters will take the place of all the ladies of Springfield, and it will be mine!" he laughed insanely.

The woman smiled, a hand reaching up to smooth her blue hair. As she turned and walked away, Burns smiled at the resemblance to the woman of his dreams...Marge Simpson.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Bring On The Girls

"Oh no, Homie, not another one!" Marge looked up at her yawning husband, distress on her face. "What is it, honey bun?" He opened one eye as he slurped his morning sludge.

"Lenny's wife up and left him, so he married a model named Lola. Very strange." Marge got a intent look in her eyes as she set down the newspaper. "You know this is the tenth re-marriage this month."

"Why's that strange, Marge? Lenny's a good catch; he hasn't blown up anything in at least a month...Hmmm, chocolate." He licked his fingers, then stood up and dried them on the dog's hair, not knowing it was really Lisa's.

"Eeeew, Dad, gross!" She complained, running upstairs to wash her hair.

"What's wrong with her? Oh well, time for work!" Homer air kissed Marge, then straightened his shirt as he went out the door.

"I'm outahere Mom!" Bart dashed through the kitchen, then ended up air running as Marge picked him up by the collar of his shirt.

"Just a minute, Bart. I need your help with something." She held Bart up, then set him down when he sighed and said, "yes, Mom."

"This Gentlemen's Society, I think it's behind all these wives' leaving town, without even saying good bye." Marge told him. "I want you to follow your father tonight and see if there's any hanky panky going on."

"Ah, Mom, all they do is talk. I want to watch Behind The Clown: The Story of Krusty." Bart whined, secretly pleased to be asked to go undercover.

"Bart, something very bad is happening in our town, I think this Society is behind it. You're so smart, son, you could find out what's going on." Marge appealed to her son's vanity, and he took the bait.

"All right, Mom, but if anything fun is happening, don't wait up, okay?" he smirked, then grabbed his school books and ran out the door.

That night Marge watched in amazement as Homer actually changed shirts twice, then refused seconds on dessert, claiming he was "stuffed".

"Oh, Homie, what have they done to you?" she whispered, a tear running down her cheek as she watched him drive away.

"Aw, Mom, don't worry, I'll find out if he's fooling, I mean if he's eating seconds at the meeting." Bart assured her, straightening his trench coat and putting on his spy glasses.

"Thank you, Bart. Now you call home if you run into any trouble." Marge managed a half hug, half-I'm outta here from Bart as he slipped out of the house.

That night, as he followed the men all converging like lemmings on the Gentlemen's Society, Bart marveled at the silly smiles most of the men had on their faces. "Man, I guess that's what you look like in the presence of babes!" he snickered.

Slipping past the lines waiting to enter, Bart skulked around the back of the building, then slipped through an open window. Sneaking around inside, he heard voices, then a roar of laughter.

Peeking through a curtain, he found his father and the others whoo hooing as a buxom woman gyrated on a makeshift stage. "Hubba-Hubba" Bart thought, then noticed a slight squeaking noise every the woman moved.

Suddenly steam came from her back, and abruptly the curtains closed, to the vocal dismay of the audience. As Bart leaned forward to take a look, he saw that the key to the mysterious allure of the club was right in front of him.

"Smithers, quick, the oil can!" Burns voice came from nearby, and panicked, Bart hit behind some boxes as the millionaire and his assistant came forward and hauled away the now vibrating woman.

"Cauwabunga! It's a robot!" Bart realized, then started to come out from his hiding place, only to bump into a tall figure.

"Hello, little boy, what can I do for you?"

Looking up, Bart gulped. Except for the leer in her eyes, it was an exact duplicate of his mom.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5-Bart Saves The Day

"Mr. Smithers, what shall we do with our nosey little friend." Burns evil gaze rested on Bart, who was being tied up by the weasly flunky.

"Uh, I think we should take him to plant and throw him into the drainage pond, sir." Smithers looked up at his boss for approval.

"No, that would cause too many questions, besides, I want to know who else knows he's here." The wizened little man replied. "All right, boy, who sent you here?" he snarled at Bart.

"None of your beeswax." Bart thrust his chin in the air. He might be on the edge of death, or a really bad experience, but he was darned if they'd get his mom.

"Pity, Simpson, maybe we ought go get your old man, I'm sure he'd answer for us." Burns replied.

Thinking fast, Bart offered up a token of information. "He can't, because he didn't know I followed him. I wanted to see the babes, is that a crime?"

"That could be true, Sir. Boys at his age are very inquisitive towards the opposite sex, if you get my ... ow!" Smithers rubbed his head where his boss had just thumped him.

"You idiot! I didn't look at my first woman until I was.. uh, never mind." Burns angrily turned back to Bart.

"So you wanted to see the women, well, I'll let you take a good look, because it'll be the last thing you see, boy! Bring him along, Smithers."

Grabbing Bart by the arm, Burns assistant dragged him along as the millionaire led them down a corridor to a storeroom, then flung the door open.

"Behold the new faces of Springfield, boy. They'll be the last ones you see!"

Bart's jaw dropped at the sight of twenty plus women, in various outfits, parading around and admiring each other. In the center was the overheated dancer, still giving off little puffs of steam.

Unable to control himself, Bart let out a wolf-whistle, then as one the women turned, each showing a smile of appreciation.

"Well, hello, handsome." A redhead came forward and looked at Bart as Burns said, "Tammy, I want you to take this boy and kill him, understand."

"With pleasure, darling." She cooed, taking Bart by the arm and drawing him into the room.

As the door shut behind him, Bart thought fast. "Uh, Tammy, do you know how to kill someone?"

"Why, yes, why?" the robot frowned.

"Well, I think Mr. Burns wanted you to untie me, then kill me with love, do you know how to do that?" Bart prayed she wouldn't take him literally.

"I think so, darling." The redhead tore the ropes off him with her bare hands, then stopped with a puzzled look.

"Uh, I'll show you what he meant, but first, where's the power for this room." Bart hoped he wouldn't be sorry about this.

"Over here." Tammy walked over to a control panel, then showed him the switches that controlled all the robots. All the controls had names next to them, plus there was a master switch marked 'Wives room".

Taking a chance, Bart reached over and flipped it on, only to here a swoosh noise, then a wall panel opened to show ten women, some still in their nightclothes.

"The missing wives!" Bart gasped.

"Quick, ladies, you've got to get out of here!" he yelled. Without a protest the women ran from the room as the robots looked on, smiles plastered on their faces.

"Tammy, I'm sorry to do this to your friends but here goes." Bart started hitting all the switches off, with the exception of the Tammy control. At once all the robots fell over, except for the redhead.

She looked at him, then bent over and gave him a kiss. "Thank you, darling. But why did you spare me?"

"Uh, cause I need your help so Mr. Burns doesn't hurt me or my family!" he told her, then sheepishly added, "and cause I like you."

"Like, what is that?" she puzzled.

"I'll show you later, that is if my mother lets me keep you." Bart grinned, then led the way out of the room.

Outside in the hall a great commotion could be heard, as the wives were busy beating Mr. Burns and Smithers up, as well as chasing the curious husbands out of the club.

Just as Bart reached the meeting room, Homer spotted him, then rushed over to his son.

"My boy, Lenny's wife just told me what you did. I'm so proud of you." he said.

"Gee, thanks, Dad." By the way, this is Tammy; can I bring her home, can I?" Bart begged.

"I don't know, son, we'll have to ask your mother." Homer looked her up and down, then asked, "can you cook?"

"Yes, darling, I especially like to make...donuts." She replied seductively.

"I think your mother won't mind." Homer beamed, then followed Bart and Tammy out of the building. Just then the police came and within minutes had Burns and Smithers begging to be put in jail.

"Please help us, hide us, anything, Chief." Burns pleaded as the bruised and battered men were helped out of the club, followed by the growing mob of angry women.

Suddenly an explosion was heard in the back of the building, and Tammy looked at Bart sorrowfully.

"I'm sorry, darling, this is good bye..." she started to say, then fell over.

"Aw, geez, dad. I really like her." Bart mourned, staring at the fallen robot.

"Never mind son, women come and go, you'll learn that someday." Homer patted his son, then the two of them walked into the sunrise.

Behind them the police cars departed, then all was silent.

Except for movement from a certain redhead, who blinked, then slowly got up off the ground.

Gazing after the departing father and son, she grinned, then followed after them.

The End


End file.
